I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?