i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her