she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it