I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Pants are for mortals
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.