My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?