My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?