Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I look better un-naked...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.