I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
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Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
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I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...