They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.