We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.