And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
