How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.