Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Michigan (989)

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  (989): View more from Michigan

  A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz

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  (989): A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz http://tfl.nu/g5b4
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  there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.

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  (989): there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked. http://tfl.nu/cvgr
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  I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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  (989): I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis. http://tfl.nu/oi4a
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  Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?

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  (989): Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember? http://tfl.nu/1p12
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  Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.

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  (989): Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings. http://tfl.nu/rih3
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  It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.

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  (989): It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here. http://tfl.nu/e0yb
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  It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.

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  (989): It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened. http://tfl.nu/z3yw
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  is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

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  (989): is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off? http://tfl.nu/j7cy
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  in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.

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  (989): in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/9a80
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  you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin

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  (989): you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin http://tfl.nu/ftsd
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  Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.

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  (989): Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street. http://tfl.nu/pdx2
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  I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.

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  (989): I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study. http://tfl.nu/z59m
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  Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

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  (989): Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me. http://tfl.nu/zahg
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  I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.

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  (989): I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful. http://tfl.nu/07fw
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  I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.

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  (989): I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance. http://tfl.nu/0t4j
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