I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?