From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Let's paint friendship bongs
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.