Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.