dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
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I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."