I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Let's get the cat blown out
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.