My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Let's get the cat blown out
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
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I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.