All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Let's get the cat blown out
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.