He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Let's get the cat blown out
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?