I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.