Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..