I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
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He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"