I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.