I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.