You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
If you need anything just hit me up
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....