Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you