I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.