It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape