he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.