I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.