who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal