I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint