You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.