Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.