You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.