avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me