I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode