I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.