We need a shit load of segways right now
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.