I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again