I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer