What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.