Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.