If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
34 Tweets About Student Debt That Will Make You Laugh and Cry At The Same Time
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
14 Craigslist Ads That Will Make You Lose Your Faith in Humanity
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
32 of the Pettiest, Most Hilarious Reasons People Have Broken Up With Someone