When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
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May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.