don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???