I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".