The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Pants are for mortals
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities