We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening