Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus