he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
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He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.