He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."