You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious