SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
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Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
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Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra