Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Maryland (410)

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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?

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  (410): There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him? http://tfl.nu/lo67
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  holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again

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  (410): holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again http://tfl.nu/wjyj
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  That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

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  (410): That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home. http://tfl.nu/bawg
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  you texted me "dude im face"

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  it sounded so right at the time

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  (410): you texted me "dude im face" (301): it sounded so right at the time http://tfl.nu/8042
  Replies (7) Good night (1381) Bad night (410)
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  Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment

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  Thank god I got my shit together

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  (203): Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment (410): Thank god I got my shit together http://tfl.nu/mezm
  Replies (2) Good night (818) Bad night (394)
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  I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera

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  (410): I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera http://tfl.nu/vxvj
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  Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots

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  Cant promise that last part. I won't die though

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  (410): Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots (1-410): Cant promise that last part. I won't die though http://tfl.nu/qr7s
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  Cute underage boy is in my house.

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  OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.

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  (610): Cute underage boy is in my house. (410): OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE. http://tfl.nu/uq1q
  Replies (13) Good night (1520) Bad night (450)
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  It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.

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  (410): It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions. http://tfl.nu/65l6
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  Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.

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  all 3? possibly?

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  I think I'm up to the challenge.

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  (410): Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone. (732): all 3? possibly? (410): I think I'm up to the challenge. http://tfl.nu/jtli
  Replies (4) Good night (1245) Bad night (668)
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  I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.

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  (410): I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid. http://tfl.nu/ggrs
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  Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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  (410): Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar http://tfl.nu/p9qp
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  Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.

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  (410): Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men. http://tfl.nu/tvw2
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  What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?

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  (410): What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots? http://tfl.nu/z5fp
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  I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.

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  (410): I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while. http://tfl.nu/y6er
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