Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
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I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
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I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.