I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
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I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
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Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore