Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level