Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
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Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.