National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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Why are your pants in the freezer?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.