I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.