but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.