Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.