You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.