Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.