Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.