the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.