just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?