Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Still dying that you shit outside
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding