he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
But theres a keg here and me gusta
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.