i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i'm home, then i'll come over
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".