I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
