life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
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He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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