Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I wish you could order shots online.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.